Living day to day

Today was just another day... does that stop the pain, no.

I feel that I am just a really depressing writer but I can't help but write about what's going on with me in the moment. I'm sure I will have happier posts some days and depressing ones other days. I have times when it hits me what I have gone through. These times are like when I see pregnant women, hear babies cry, see beautiful decorations for baby showers or just seeing the stress my body has gone through (weight gain/hormones) and reminding myself that I just had a baby.

I had a baby who did not survive, but I did. I still have to live my day to day life and for the most part I've been dealing pretty well if I do say so myself.

Today James and I stopped by the cemetery to visit Wyatt's little spot and we saw that they had just put in his grave marker. It's already difficult making the drive over there but seeing his marker was more difficult than I thought it would be. I mean, I was the one who picked it out, pictured it, worded it, signed it off. I knew what it was going to look like and I know what it represents but it was still hard. You just never know how you feel about things until you are in the moment no mattter how prepared you felt you were. Poor James never knows what to say in these moments. He knows what to do, he just puts his arms around me. But no, he has no words. I don't have the words, I always try to tell him he doesn't need to say anything- we know how we feel and we love eachother. Nothing else matters.

It's been almost 12 weeks since I deliverd my sleeping angel. These past 12 weeks have been full of sorrow, anger, love, laughter and EVERYTHING inbetween. I feel I am blessed to have the surrounding family that I have. I am blessed to have the friendships that I have. You all fall into these categories. The outpouring of love and support was overwhelming. Sometimes you just don't know how much you are loved until that love is needed. You just become more aware.

You have all been influential in my healing process, and I feel emotionally I am in a healthy place. I am continuing to watch over my health. I'm making sure my blood pressure is where it needs to be, that my stress level isn't off the charts ;) and that my weight keeps dropping. It's no secret that I want to be a mother. I guess I just want to ask that prayers continue to come my way that I may have the strength and sanity to continue my process to be able to bring strong, healthy children to this earth to learn and grow.

Life is very interesting, very difficult, and very confusing. I will stay strong, there's no doubt about it. I have learned that just because you cry doesn't make you weak. Really it's like relieving the pressure so you can gather more energy to put that smile back on your face. Does that make any sense? I did while I was writing it- when I re-read it maybe not but OH WELL haha

Again I am thankful for all of you, and for our loving and generous family who have completely taken care of us as much as they could and will continue to.