This is a scanned copy of what his headstone will look like in the cemetery.
I have had up and down battles with the loss of my son
Wyatt. Obviously. I would give anything
to have him here with me. There are times where I just can’t let go of the
“why’s” and the “what if’s” but I know this is just a part of the grieving
process. I also know I will grieve forever. I will cry some days and I will
smile others, that’s just what I expect from myself and I’m trying to explain
to myself that it just doesn’t matter what others think. I have a really great
friend who has been helping me through this; she has tragically lost her son
when he was 4 months old and I know that is even more difficult than even what
I went through but the result is similar on our hearts. She told me, “Don’t
worry what anyone else thinks. Anybody who has never lost a child has no right
to judge you. And anybody who has will never judge you.” She is completely
right.
I understand it has to be hard for those who do not know the
pain of the loss of a child to fully comprehend the why’s and how’s of dealing
with the pain day to day. I do not want ANYONE to ever have to know the
feeling. I tried asking my Heavenly Father to leave that pain with me so no one
ever again would have to suffer the way my husband and I are. I know this will
never happen, but I prayed for it.
I wanted to take this entry and try to explain the different
ways people can help me and others going through this kind of a tragedy. Like I
said before, it is impossible to know the pain when you have never suffered it.
But I wanted to explain how you could help and the better ways of letting those
you love know that you care.
Most of you know I do hair. I work in a shop that I will
call- Classic J I
work with women older than me and their clientele who are older than them. It’s
a blast but it’s different. They come from different times and ways than I do-
different everything. I felt I needed to prepare myself to face the shop when I
got back. I love everyone there, we are a family. BUT it’s hard for everyone to
relate sometimes. I told James a few times I was afraid of going back because,
1) It’s a beauty shop- GOSSIP, 2) Older ladies means forgetfulness- repetition
of the circumstances. I know everyone I’ve seen has only meant well but
sometimes they can’t help but say what they say and it can make it more
difficult for me to deal with my emotions. I’ve had the ladies who (they come
weekly) ask “Have you had your baby yet?” because I was finally back to the
shop. I’ve had ladies who constantly ask and repeat “How old are you? Oh you’re
young, you’ll have more children” because that’s the way they think. I’ve had
ladies just jump right to it and ask all kinds of why’s and how’s, and I’ve had
ladies who don’t even acknowledge that anything has happened.
I have to hand it to my co-workers. I asked them, when I
told them what had happened, to inform their clients so everyone could have
some sort of understanding. They talked to their ladies and just let them know
what was going on and that when I got back, to just hug me and say they were
happy to see me back. That helped in most situations, on day’s I wasn’t as
strong. (This one is just to vent) There was a client at the shop, who heard MY
entire story and even heard me talk about the cost of the burial for an infant
and cemetery and everything- who STILL asked who I was talking about JUST to
have me say specifically to her that it was my son who had died. I couldn’t
believe her but I guess some people are just like that. ANYWAY.
I felt I needed to find ways and ask questions to see the
best ways for me to handle people who didn’t know how to react to my situation.
In most cases people just said, I’m sorry and I don’t know what else to
say. I found some quotes from other
people who have been in my shoes and they were looking for the same thing I
was- to see how to explain and help others, to help me. Again I’m putting these
different ways of understanding in here because I come in contact with so many
different personalities in the salon that I just wanted to have different ways
for the different kinds of people to better grasp the situation.
There is a need to talk, without
trying to give reasons. No reason is going to be acceptable when you hurt so
much. A hug, the touch of a hand, expressions of concern, a willing listener
were and still are the things that have
helped the most...The people who [were] the greatest help... [were] not
judgmental. It's most helpful when people understand that [what is needed] is
to talk about it and that this is part of the grief process. - DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 158, 163
Some people assume that it is easier to ignore the subject
of Wyatt. These people, I think, are afraid to bring up a sore subject. I
totally understand and appreciate their concern for me. In most cases they
would wait for me to bring it up- at that point I could feel their sigh of
relief and then the questions came. They just really wanted to know I was ok
about talking about it.
Grieving keeps memories alive for
bereaved parents and retains a place in their families and in their hearts for
the dead child...[it is] a continuous process with peaks, valleys, and
plateaus; it is a complex process that varies with each individual. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, 1994, 28
I know I will always talk about Wyatt. He is a part of me
and he is a part of James. As long as we live he is our son and nothing can
change that so I will talk about him. I just follow other people’s lead,
especially in my chair, on whether I bring up the subject or even how much I
will talk about. But I want to make sure
that it is understood that from day to day things are different. I will feel
different about how much I will discuss and that’s just the way it’s going to
be.
Parental grief is boundless. It touches every
aspect of the parent's being...The range of expression of parental grief is
wide...Some parents will express tears and hysteria openly. Others will silence
these expressions and grieve inwardly...Despite the volumes of work on grief,
the experience of grief seems to defy description... Definitions touch the
fringes of grief but do not embrace its totality or reach its core...Grief is a
complicated, evolving human process. Grief is a binding experience; its
universality binds sufferers together. More is shared than is different. -
ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1991, 50-52, 55
I know there are many forms of grief out there. Life is
difficult and full of trials. We all face different variations of pain and
anguish. I am sharing my pain openly because I feel it has helped me ease it.
The days I tried to ignore the pain were the hardest for me so- lesson learned.
By sharing my story with so many I have heard from others that they too have
suffered in this way. When you get pregnant you expect to deliver a living
baby. That’s it- that’s what you think. It doesn’t always end this way and more
and more women are expressing to me their own personal loss. From the majority
I was much farther along than they were when they experienced their loss but
the pain is similar and very real. I am thankful that I was able to tell my
story when I did because these women felt they weren’t strong enough to do so
at the time. People just didn’t talk much about this type of loss in their
time. I am doing so because it makes me feel stronger and these women feel the
same now after sharing their stories with me.
You will always grieve to some extent for your lost child. You will always remember your baby and wish beyond wishes that you could smell her smell or hold his weight in your arms. But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life. - HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158
I am thankful that I have gotten to the point where I am, in
my perspective, as quickly as I have.
When you accept what has happened, you aren't
acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to
keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be
your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional
love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing
life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an
example of a love that is eternal. - WISCONSIN PERSPECTIVES
NEWSLETTER, SPRING 1989, 3
This quote above is EXACTLY how I feel. I am grateful to
have found it because I couldn’t have put it better myself. I know my life can never be the same. I have
found myself in a new world, a new time. I am learning so much about myself. I
cannot say I wouldn’t change things because I would if I could. I would have
found a way to keep Wyatt here with me but that was not the plan. I still don’t
know what the plan is, but it is not for me to know right now.
But in time... nature takes care of it; the
waves of pain lose intensity a little and come less frequently. Then friends
and relatives say the parents are getting over it, and that time heals all
wounds. The parents themselves say that as the pain lessens, they begin to have
energy for people and things outside themselves...This is a decision parents
say [they] must make to live as well as they can in [their] new world... They
can come to be happy, but never as happy. Their perspective on this and
everything has changed. Their child's death is the reason for this and is a
measure of the depth and breadth of the bond between parent and child. -
FINKBEINER 1996,12, 20, 22, 23
I feel I am using this post to tell you how I feel on the
inside and out, when I wouldn’t be able to express it in person. I would never
try to make anyone feel sorry for me. I want the complete opposite. Please don’t
feel sorry for me. Feel sadness in my loss but don’t try to understand the loss
if you don’t know- it will drive you crazy. Take your love and concern for me
and turn it toward others. I know you all love and support me or you wouldn’t
be reading this. I don’t want to spread sorrow, I want you to smile. Smile at a
stranger today for me. Hug your children and tell them you love them. Don’t be
afraid to show your love. I know many people who keep their feelings to
themselves but if you truly love someone share it because our lives are short here
on this earth and regret is painful.
I thought of you and closed my eyes,And prayed to God today.
I
asked what makes a Mother,And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,This
we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,When your baby's not with
you?
Yes, you can he replied,With confidence in his voice.
I give many women
babies,When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,And
others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,But there's no need to
stay.
I just don't understand this God,I want my baby here.
He took a breath and
cleared his throat,And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,What your
child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,With other children who
say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,Of love and life and fear.
My mommy
loved me oh so much,I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a
mom,Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,My mommy set
me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,But I visit her each day.
When she goes to
sleep,On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,And
whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm
here."
So you see my dear sweet one,Your children are Ok.
Your babies are
here in My home,
They'll be at heaven’s gate for you.
So now you see what makes a
mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right
from the very start.
~Author Unknown~
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