My angel Wyatt James

I'm not an avid blogger. You will find many mistakes in my writing and grammar. I don't care. I wanted to start something where I could tell my story at different points of my life to all of you who will find the time to read about me.

Yesterday marked 8weeks since I delivered my son Wyatt stillborn. I wanted to take the time to tell you what I remember about what happened that weekend starting april 22nd 2012.

This will be pretty long and I don't know any better way of writing this all out. I will tell you today, at this point, I am doing ok. I am hurt and scarred, but who wouldn't be. Just because I have been through something like this doesn't mean I can't still smile and laugh. I'm just going to start writing as I remember and I will write it out just like that so again I appologize for any mistakes I will deffinately make lol AND I'm going to tell you everything I remember so it could be graphic at times but at this point I'm not sure what I will end up typing out. I will be crying through this and you will probably cry and it's ok if you can't read the whole thing. It's ok however you feel about this whole post.

Sunday morning James and I went for our regular drive. The last few weeks I had been getting pretty tired very quickly and we both work 6 days a week, so Sundays became our day to just drive and be alone together. Just fyi from the time I found out I was pregnant we had, and currently, been living with my grandmother.(This is a long and complicated story but we moved in to help her with different ascpects of her life) We were out driving and talking and planning our life with the expectance of Wyatt joining us in the up coming weeks. I was just about 31 weeks, I had a nursery painted, furniture put together and 2 baby showers planned. For some reason starting saturday after I left work I had a feeling in the back of my mind that something wasn't ok with Wyatt.

In the previous 2 weeks I had been tested for Preeclampsia, which is highblood pressure, and then some, that only affects you during pregnancy. I had gone in for bloodwork and urine tests a couple times during this 2 week period. I was given my next appoinment that would have fallen on monday April 23rd. I had feelings that I possibly needed to go get checked out at the hospital the friday and saturday before I was addmited but I kept telling myself, Don't worry, you're just going to stress your self out- remember your dr said don't stress over the little things- So I told myself it's ok, it's ok, you're going to see the dr on monday don't worry, just wait till monday.

Sunday when we returned home from our drive I hadn't noticed any movement from Wyatt during the whole trip. I didn't say anything to James because I didn't know what to think myself at this point. I went in and had alittle apple juice and went looking for our little doppler thing my inlaws gave us for Christmas. I laid down and tried to find his heartbeat myself. We had done this the previous wednesday and we were both able to locate his heart beat. When I couldn't find it myself I told James I needed his help. He came over with a bag of ice to kind of shock Wyatt to wiggle around- this didn't help, and James tried searching for the heartbeat himself and we didn't know what to think. I starting breathing harder and asked him what we should do. He said if feel really concerned you should call the dr and they will tell you what to do.

We ended up driving over to Arcadia Methodist and I started feeling terribly sick. James kept rubbing my leg and told me to breathe and relax alittle. Really, he was begging me to calm myslef down. James knew before I knew what was going on with myself and was more afraid for me than I thought I needed to be.

Just throwing this out there- I didn't have the best experience with this hospital. I will probably never reccomend them to you but this is just my personal opinion. .

When we got to the addmitting desk, the lady in charge finally made her way to help us and I, for the 3rd time had to tell her I was about 31 wks pregnant and couldn't feel any fetal movement. She proceeded to tell me "shame on you, you should have pre-registered" At this point I was so dizzy and light headed and feeling the most shocking pain right in the center of my chest I just walked away from her and sat down leaving James to set up all my info with this GENIUS of an attendant.

While waiting for her to type in all my information I began blacking out and getting extreemly nauseous. Somewhere in there I begged for a restroom and barely made it in time to vomit into the toilet. It was so violent, hows this for information, I needed to pee and everything else- all the while holding back vomit so I didn't create a mess of myself.

They FINALLY sent me to Labor and Delivery where, I was taken in and set up to all the monitors. I have no clue how long this all took, I barely remember walking myself out of the rest room. James helped me put the hospital gown on and I remember laying down on the bed. At some point the nurse hooked me up with a fetal monitor and and IV, when I don't know, but anyway. She herslef couldn't find Wyatt's heartbeat so she called a tech in. This second nurse couldn't find the heartbeat. You know after the first try that he was gone. But no one wanted to admit anything. James knew, I knew, but you don't want to believe anything until the dr says. There's always hope right? Pray and see that miracles actually do happen. I couldn't tell you what else I was thinking in my head because I was coming in an out of it the whole time.

I was addmitted about 11:30am and I have no clue how much time was passing. I was moved to an actually delievery room and finally a third Ultrasound tech made his way to me and he spent some time checking and measuring and blah blah blah. I just wanted him to leave. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. NO WAY WAS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!

James just sat there completely silent holding my hand and rubbing my palm with his thumb. All the while trying to keep me calm. The tech finally left saying- "Good Luck" on his way out and that he was sending the images to radiology. HELLO there was our for sure answer but we needed to wait for the dr to show up and tell us. After 3 ultrasound techs you know the baby is gone. All our hopes and dreams for our precious son taken away in the (who knows how long) period of time we were in the hospital. The nurse then walked back in and said "so you know there was no heart beat"
REALLY LADY! She really was trying to be kind and gentle but it wasn't her place to say that to us. OH I remember- at one point the last tech who was searching my uterus at thought I was crying because he was hurting me .... seriously?? I wonder?? genius... I swear... ANYWAY

It was at this point James went to call our parents and tell them what was going on. I again was going in and out not knowing how much later it was and how long it took everyone to come be by our sides. The dr finally came and said these things happen and there usually is no reason for them. Then asked if I wanted to be induced as soon as possible to get this all over with. Yeah sure, lets just get this all over with... ya know? I don't even know myself what was going through my head. I didn't much care about anything at that point. I was in a L&D room with both sides of the family by our sides. I was put on the inducing meds and some pain reliever -Tylenol. Sunday night a woman from my church came to talk to my nurses. She is a L&D nurse at Huntington, named Delanie, and wanted to know what was going on and how I was being taken care of. Because of her, and I am grateful, I was put on Magnesium Sulfate to controll my blood pressure. Every time the MS needed to be changed I started to vomit. I was in the hospital from sunday to tuesday so the MS was changed MANY times. I don't know how many but I vomited everytime.

Monday came and I was having my blood pressure checked every 15 min for a while then 30 min then hourly from the time I was addmitted to the time I was released. I was being monitored like crazy and didn't know all of why. ANYWAY I couldn't eat anything or drink anything- even the ice chips made me vomit. I had a handful of nurses but 2 of them were amazing. I was being checked periodically to see how I was progressing with dialation. I really don't remember how much time was passing- I was on pain medicine that kept me calm and sleepy. I am thankful for that because I remember many times at the point when medicine wore off that I would ask James why us, why Wyatt, why do I have to go through all of this knowing that he's gone. Why, why, why. Of course he didn't have any answers and we won't know until the time we all meet again at Heavenly Father's feet.

Back on the meds I was put and I calmed down a bit. Obviously everytime I would get emotional and upset my blood preassure whould spike. DUH. Somewhere in there my Bishop from church came to see me. I was given a blessing from my dad and brother. If you want an explaination of what blessings are, send me a message on facebook. Monday night came and my contractions became very very strong and closer together. I felt, and my friend Delanie had mentioned to me, that it was totally ok and my choice to have any pain meds that I wanted because, honestly, they weren't going to change the outcome, so why suffer the pain. I got to a point where the regular meds weren't helping any longer so I asked for an Epidural.

While we waited for the anesthesiologist I was given another blessing and James was given a blessing. The nurse I had at the time was mormon as well so I invited her to stay for them. She was an angel sent to me. I don't know how I would have ended up metally if I hadn't spoken with her. She didn't have children of her own but she knew things that I needed to hear that helped me immensely.

Everyone was asked to leave so I could recieve my epidural. I welcomed this because, honestly, I couldn't understand how women go through delivery without medicinal help. I am in awe of you women. The epidural was another blessing I recieved. The pain subsided very quickly after the dr was done. I remember loosing most feeling in my legs but not all- weird- ANYWAY James was with me in the room, as was my brother-in-law and his wife, who have a now 13 month old daughter(as of tomorrow the 20th) They know about labor and delivery. I think I was on the epidural just over an hour by the time I needed my MS bag changed. Remember the vomiting? Yeah that showed it's ugly face violently this time. The pressure of the vomiting was as if I was pushing. Um.. I was pushing and I didn't know it. After my third bout of the vomiting I felt Wyatt come out. I din't know what to do or say, I was vomiting and needed to call for help and have my bro in law and his wife leave the room. I don't know what actually happened during those few seconds that, to me, felt like an hour- It was a whirlwind of oh crap what do we do, oh my gosh there's a baby there that's not crying, where's the nurse, how're going to tell everyone else, NOW WHAT and my least favorite emotion/thought during those few seconds, so what.. So what, because I knew he was gone. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I was torn because it was all over. Everything was over.

The nurse came in and talked to us for a second, I don't remember what she said, and I had to stay  with my son between my legs until the doctor showed up. He arrived fairly quickly I think, but honestly I don't even remember if time was passing at all. I just delivered my son and I would never get to hear him take his first breath and cry, see him look up at me or ANYTHING. I felt, literally and emotionally, empty. Have you ever felt that way? I thought I had when I was younger and facing difficult times, but no- this was emptiness. Thankfully I didn't have those feelings very long and I thank my Heavenly Father for that. I think it's that emptiness that causes so much pain and darkness.

The dr finished delivering Wyatt and the placenta. He checked me over and I had no trauma. All of these were blessings from my Heavenly Father during this terrible time. This may not make sense to many of you but it's just how I feel. I know now that Wyatt was meant for something greater. He only needed to recieve a body and didn't even need to view this world before he was called back home. I feel the blessings I recieved were to help me from withstanding unnecessary pain, I delivered Wyatt without pain or pressure and my body didn't have to face extended healing time in the weeks to come.

Because I had been tested for Preeclampsia, the dr checked over my placenta and determined that it had nothing to do with this loss. I didn't have any other symptoms or pain that sent me into the hospital. To give me SOMETHING, he said it may have been a blood clot in the umbilical  cord, but later on pathology couldn't really say that was the case either. Almost every case of fetal demise is undetermined.

After the nurse wrapped Wyatt up, she brought him to me. James and I got to hold him for a period of time before we asked the nurse to invite who ever from our family in that would like to get a chance of holding our son. I can't even remember who all came in or chose not to. I remember looking at him and he looked JUST like James. Along with his big hands and feet. But only James and I were able to see him before he was wrapped up in his blanket. He had his features and my coloring, but for the time being we will not know for sure, and that's ok.

By looking him over and seeing the measurements from the third ultrasound tech, the dr determined that Wyatt had passed maybe thursday or friday of the previous week. I was having some sort of contraction that I thought were his movements. I kept saying that I would be going to the dr on monday - just monday- wait till monday. I later found out that when I was admitted to the hospital my blood pressure had skyrocketed to 256/137. If I had waited I would have most likely stroked out at home during the night. I was on the magnesium sulfate to lower my blood pressure which saved my life and in the end helped me have a rather "painless" delivery.

I have never had a history of high blood pressure. EVER. It was in the last 2 months of my pregnancy that it even rose. Normally with preeclampsia the numbers reduce about 48 hrs postpartum but my high numbers went on for an additional 2 1/2 weeks. I was at home on bed rest and taking medicine to keep my numbers where they should be. James and I took a month off of work to recover and he watched over me and my medication. We were able to take that time to talk about things, and see where we stood as a couple. We have never been more in love and closer together.

Thank you for reading my story. This is just my hospital story. I don't know what else I will write or when or anything. If I feel I have something to share I will. I don't know if what I have written will help anyone. Whether it be to understand me alittle better, to understand the situation alittle better or to get through something else entirely.

I know I will see my son again one day. I will have to opportunity to raise him and teach him. I have an angel to watch over me and my husband and our future children. I have a story to tell and it is to show that you can get through hardships. My story isn't even the hardest thing anyone has been through, but it is the hardest thing I have been through. I have learned and I have grown and I will contiue to.