Here's looking at 2, kid

Two years ago today, James and I were told we had lost our baby boy.
Two years ago today, our world came crashing down around us.
Two years ago today, we learned that we were stronger than anything we had ever known.
Two years ago today, we were changed forever.

I wish I had the right words all of the time. It's so hard to explain yourself to people who just have no clue what's going on behind the curtain. There may be something greater at work than you could even begin to imagine. I've had to collect myself and better myself to give my husband and daughter the wife and mother they deserve.

I cannot and will not forget Wyatt. He is me, he has my heart, he is waiting for me. I need to remember him while I give of my self wholly to my husband and daughter. This has been the hardest obstacle because I grieve daily, in all moments and it's hard. It is hard to be happy all of the time with this hole in my heart but I'm trying and it's exhausting.

Over time, it has been hard to hold in the pieces, these pieces will always be broken. It's like holding on to a shattered mirror that is still in place. You can see yourself in a thousand reflections and you know all of the pieces are there, just broken. But this is what I have to do for the rest of my life until we meet again. I don't want to sound so negative but it's all the truth. I'm working on it :)


We have come so far these last two years and we have been blessed to have welcomed McKenna into our family. I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for this opportunity. I know there are families trying so hard for their own rainbow baby and I'm thankful everyday for this miracle. I have learned so much, I have grown so much, I have changed so much. I'm not the same person I once was but I feel I'm a better person now. I see things differently and I have learned what is most important for me and my family's well being. Imagine how I'll feel 20 years from now!


I hope to have happier feelings written down as time goes on. It's still just too new....

Wyatt means so much to us and he has taught us to love. He has taught us patience. I am a better mom today for McKenna because of him.

Thank you Wyatt for making me a mother. Happy Birthday angel.

Wait, what? A YEAR already?!?!!

Holy smokes! A year ago tonight, at this time, I was checked in and waiting for the arrival of our beautiful baby girl.

The journey of this last year has been more difficult than I would like to write all about. I cannot believe what we had lived through, cried through, put everyone else through, just to get to this moment to see our very special and beyond blessed little baby girl McKenna Lee Lamason reach her first birthday!

I am thankful every day that my Heavenly Father entrusted me with this beautiful spirit. To let me be her mother. To enjoy her giggles, to experience her milestones, to encourage her to try new things. All in this first year! I am exploding with excitement to see what the rest of her growing years will bring our way.

It has been much more difficult emotionally than I can put into words. Every moment that goes by is a reminder of my precious angel that is not here on this Earth with me. It has been hard watching her grow wondering what it would have been like to have both of them surrounding me. I know all will be well, and that we will be together again, but it doesn't make it easier.

I am grateful for the learning experiences I gained because of Wyatt. I am thankful for things I would have never experienced without knowing his loss.

I don't want to make anyone sad, I don't want to make myself sad but it's the truth.

I want to be the best mom I can be for them.

I can't believe how quickly time has gone, how much more I have learned. How much more I have ever pushed myself. Realizing how much more there is to learn and again realizing you never really know....

It is hard for me to write about how much I love my daughter, knowing how much I love my son and not being able to write the same things about him. I almost feel like I'm cheating him, even though I'm not. I don't want to ever express that because I don't mention him every day or to everyone that I'm not always thinking of him. He is the biggest part of who I am today and the reason I am and will be the BEST mom I can possibly be for McKenna.

My baby girl means everything to be and I'm the lucky one to be able to call her my daughter.