In ETERNAL loving memory of Wyatt James

Today is Wednesday June 27^th, 2012; the day my son was expected to join our family.

This is a scanned copy of what his headstone will look like in the cemetery.

I have had up and down battles with the loss of my son Wyatt. Obviously.  I would give anything to have him here with me. There are times where I just can’t let go of the “why’s” and the “what if’s” but I know this is just a part of the grieving process. I also know I will grieve forever. I will cry some days and I will smile others, that’s just what I expect from myself and I’m trying to explain to myself that it just doesn’t matter what others think. I have a really great friend who has been helping me through this; she has tragically lost her son when he was 4 months old and I know that is even more difficult than even what I went through but the result is similar on our hearts. She told me, “Don’t worry what anyone else thinks. Anybody who has never lost a child has no right to judge you. And anybody who has will never judge you.” She is completely right.

I understand it has to be hard for those who do not know the pain of the loss of a child to fully comprehend the why’s and how’s of dealing with the pain day to day. I do not want ANYONE to ever have to know the feeling. I tried asking my Heavenly Father to leave that pain with me so no one ever again would have to suffer the way my husband and I are. I know this will never happen, but I prayed for it.

I wanted to take this entry and try to explain the different ways people can help me and others going through this kind of a tragedy. Like I said before, it is impossible to know the pain when you have never suffered it. But I wanted to explain how you could help and the better ways of letting those you love know that you care.

Most of you know I do hair. I work in a shop that I will call- Classic J I work with women older than me and their clientele who are older than them. It’s a blast but it’s different. They come from different times and ways than I do- different everything. I felt I needed to prepare myself to face the shop when I got back. I love everyone there, we are a family. BUT it’s hard for everyone to relate sometimes. I told James a few times I was afraid of going back because, 1) It’s a beauty shop- GOSSIP, 2) Older ladies means forgetfulness- repetition of the circumstances. I know everyone I’ve seen has only meant well but sometimes they can’t help but say what they say and it can make it more difficult for me to deal with my emotions. I’ve had the ladies who (they come weekly) ask “Have you had your baby yet?” because I was finally back to the shop. I’ve had ladies who constantly ask and repeat “How old are you? Oh you’re young, you’ll have more children” because that’s the way they think. I’ve had ladies just jump right to it and ask all kinds of why’s and how’s, and I’ve had ladies who don’t even acknowledge that anything has happened.

I have to hand it to my co-workers. I asked them, when I told them what had happened, to inform their clients so everyone could have some sort of understanding. They talked to their ladies and just let them know what was going on and that when I got back, to just hug me and say they were happy to see me back. That helped in most situations, on day’s I wasn’t as strong. (This one is just to vent) There was a client at the shop, who heard MY entire story and even heard me talk about the cost of the burial for an infant and cemetery and everything- who STILL asked who I was talking about JUST to have me say specifically to her that it was my son who had died. I couldn’t believe her but I guess some people are just like that. ANYWAY.

I felt I needed to find ways and ask questions to see the best ways for me to handle people who didn’t know how to react to my situation. In most cases people just said, I’m sorry and I don’t know what else to say.  I found some quotes from other people who have been in my shoes and they were looking for the same thing I was- to see how to explain and help others, to help me. Again I’m putting these different ways of understanding in here because I come in contact with so many different personalities in the salon that I just wanted to have different ways for the different kinds of people to better grasp the situation.

There is a need to talk, without trying to give reasons. No reason is going to be acceptable when you hurt so much. A hug, the touch of a hand, expressions of concern, a willing listener were and still are the things that have helped the most...The people who [were] the greatest help... [were] not judgmental. It's most helpful when people understand that [what is needed] is to talk about it and that this is part of the grief process. - DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 158, 163

Some people assume that it is easier to ignore the subject of Wyatt. These people, I think, are afraid to bring up a sore subject. I totally understand and appreciate their concern for me. In most cases they would wait for me to bring it up- at that point I could feel their sigh of relief and then the questions came. They just really wanted to know I was ok about talking about it.

Grieving keeps memories alive for bereaved parents and retains a place in their families and in their hearts for the dead child...[it is] a continuous process with peaks, valleys, and plateaus; it is a complex process that varies with each individual. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, 1994, 28

I know I will always talk about Wyatt. He is a part of me and he is a part of James. As long as we live he is our son and nothing can change that so I will talk about him. I just follow other people’s lead, especially in my chair, on whether I bring up the subject or even how much I will talk about.  But I want to make sure that it is understood that from day to day things are different. I will feel different about how much I will discuss and that’s just the way it’s going to be.

Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of the parent's being...The range of expression of parental grief is wide...Some parents will express tears and hysteria openly. Others will silence these expressions and grieve inwardly...Despite the volumes of work on grief, the experience of grief seems to defy description... Definitions touch the fringes of grief but do not embrace its totality or reach its core...Grief is a complicated, evolving human process. Grief is a binding experience; its universality binds sufferers together. More is shared than is different. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1991, 50-52, 55

I know there are many forms of grief out there. Life is difficult and full of trials. We all face different variations of pain and anguish. I am sharing my pain openly because I feel it has helped me ease it. The days I tried to ignore the pain were the hardest for me so- lesson learned. By sharing my story with so many I have heard from others that they too have suffered in this way. When you get pregnant you expect to deliver a living baby. That’s it- that’s what you think. It doesn’t always end this way and more and more women are expressing to me their own personal loss. From the majority I was much farther along than they were when they experienced their loss but the pain is similar and very real. I am thankful that I was able to tell my story when I did because these women felt they weren’t strong enough to do so at the time. People just didn’t talk much about this type of loss in their time. I am doing so because it makes me feel stronger and these women feel the same now after sharing their stories with me.

You will always grieve to some extent for your lost child. You will always remember your baby and wish beyond wishes that you could smell her smell or hold his weight in your arms. But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life. - HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158

I am thankful that I have gotten to the point where I am, in my perspective, as quickly as I have.

When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal. - WISCONSIN PERSPECTIVES NEWSLETTER, SPRING 1989, 3

This quote above is EXACTLY how I feel. I am grateful to have found it because I couldn’t have put it better myself.  I know my life can never be the same. I have found myself in a new world, a new time. I am learning so much about myself. I cannot say I wouldn’t change things because I would if I could. I would have found a way to keep Wyatt here with me but that was not the plan. I still don’t know what the plan is, but it is not for me to know right now.

But in time... nature takes care of it; the waves of pain lose intensity a little and come less frequently. Then friends and relatives say the parents are getting over it, and that time heals all wounds. The parents themselves say that as the pain lessens, they begin to have energy for people and things outside themselves...This is a decision parents say [they] must make to live as well as they can in [their] new world... They can come to be happy, but never as happy. Their perspective on this and everything has changed. Their child's death is the reason for this and is a measure of the depth and breadth of the bond between parent and child. - FINKBEINER 1996,12, 20, 22, 23

I feel I am using this post to tell you how I feel on the inside and out, when I wouldn’t be able to express it in person. I would never try to make anyone feel sorry for me. I want the complete opposite. Please don’t feel sorry for me. Feel sadness in my loss but don’t try to understand the loss if you don’t know- it will drive you crazy. Take your love and concern for me and turn it toward others. I know you all love and support me or you wouldn’t be reading this. I don’t want to spread sorrow, I want you to smile. Smile at a stranger today for me. Hug your children and tell them you love them. Don’t be afraid to show your love. I know many people who keep their feelings to themselves but if you truly love someone share it because our lives are short here on this earth and regret is painful.

I have this following poem printed and I put it in my personal journal. I read it every so often and I feel because of today I want to re-post it for those of you who may not have had to chace to read it. I love this poem as much as I love my son and my Heavenly Father. I hope you guys appreciate it too.

I thought of you and closed my eyes,And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother,And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother,When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,With confidence in his voice.

I give many women babies,When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat,And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you,What your child is doing today,

If you could see your child smile,With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,Your children are Ok.

Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heaven’s gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

~Author Unknown~

 If all you take from this today is SMILE then I have done some good. I love you all and I appreciate your friendship, however infrequently we may speak you are still special to me.

My angel Wyatt James

I'm not an avid blogger. You will find many mistakes in my writing and grammar. I don't care. I wanted to start something where I could tell my story at different points of my life to all of you who will find the time to read about me.

Yesterday marked 8weeks since I delivered my son Wyatt stillborn. I wanted to take the time to tell you what I remember about what happened that weekend starting april 22nd 2012.

This will be pretty long and I don't know any better way of writing this all out. I will tell you today, at this point, I am doing ok. I am hurt and scarred, but who wouldn't be. Just because I have been through something like this doesn't mean I can't still smile and laugh. I'm just going to start writing as I remember and I will write it out just like that so again I appologize for any mistakes I will deffinately make lol AND I'm going to tell you everything I remember so it could be graphic at times but at this point I'm not sure what I will end up typing out. I will be crying through this and you will probably cry and it's ok if you can't read the whole thing. It's ok however you feel about this whole post.

Sunday morning James and I went for our regular drive. The last few weeks I had been getting pretty tired very quickly and we both work 6 days a week, so Sundays became our day to just drive and be alone together. Just fyi from the time I found out I was pregnant we had, and currently, been living with my grandmother.(This is a long and complicated story but we moved in to help her with different ascpects of her life) We were out driving and talking and planning our life with the expectance of Wyatt joining us in the up coming weeks. I was just about 31 weeks, I had a nursery painted, furniture put together and 2 baby showers planned. For some reason starting saturday after I left work I had a feeling in the back of my mind that something wasn't ok with Wyatt.

In the previous 2 weeks I had been tested for Preeclampsia, which is highblood pressure, and then some, that only affects you during pregnancy. I had gone in for bloodwork and urine tests a couple times during this 2 week period. I was given my next appoinment that would have fallen on monday April 23rd. I had feelings that I possibly needed to go get checked out at the hospital the friday and saturday before I was addmited but I kept telling myself, Don't worry, you're just going to stress your self out- remember your dr said don't stress over the little things- So I told myself it's ok, it's ok, you're going to see the dr on monday don't worry, just wait till monday.

Sunday when we returned home from our drive I hadn't noticed any movement from Wyatt during the whole trip. I didn't say anything to James because I didn't know what to think myself at this point. I went in and had alittle apple juice and went looking for our little doppler thing my inlaws gave us for Christmas. I laid down and tried to find his heartbeat myself. We had done this the previous wednesday and we were both able to locate his heart beat. When I couldn't find it myself I told James I needed his help. He came over with a bag of ice to kind of shock Wyatt to wiggle around- this didn't help, and James tried searching for the heartbeat himself and we didn't know what to think. I starting breathing harder and asked him what we should do. He said if feel really concerned you should call the dr and they will tell you what to do.

We ended up driving over to Arcadia Methodist and I started feeling terribly sick. James kept rubbing my leg and told me to breathe and relax alittle. Really, he was begging me to calm myslef down. James knew before I knew what was going on with myself and was more afraid for me than I thought I needed to be.

Just throwing this out there- I didn't have the best experience with this hospital. I will probably never reccomend them to you but this is just my personal opinion. .

When we got to the addmitting desk, the lady in charge finally made her way to help us and I, for the 3rd time had to tell her I was about 31 wks pregnant and couldn't feel any fetal movement. She proceeded to tell me "shame on you, you should have pre-registered" At this point I was so dizzy and light headed and feeling the most shocking pain right in the center of my chest I just walked away from her and sat down leaving James to set up all my info with this GENIUS of an attendant.

While waiting for her to type in all my information I began blacking out and getting extreemly nauseous. Somewhere in there I begged for a restroom and barely made it in time to vomit into the toilet. It was so violent, hows this for information, I needed to pee and everything else- all the while holding back vomit so I didn't create a mess of myself.

They FINALLY sent me to Labor and Delivery where, I was taken in and set up to all the monitors. I have no clue how long this all took, I barely remember walking myself out of the rest room. James helped me put the hospital gown on and I remember laying down on the bed. At some point the nurse hooked me up with a fetal monitor and and IV, when I don't know, but anyway. She herslef couldn't find Wyatt's heartbeat so she called a tech in. This second nurse couldn't find the heartbeat. You know after the first try that he was gone. But no one wanted to admit anything. James knew, I knew, but you don't want to believe anything until the dr says. There's always hope right? Pray and see that miracles actually do happen. I couldn't tell you what else I was thinking in my head because I was coming in an out of it the whole time.

I was addmitted about 11:30am and I have no clue how much time was passing. I was moved to an actually delievery room and finally a third Ultrasound tech made his way to me and he spent some time checking and measuring and blah blah blah. I just wanted him to leave. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. NO WAY WAS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!

James just sat there completely silent holding my hand and rubbing my palm with his thumb. All the while trying to keep me calm. The tech finally left saying- "Good Luck" on his way out and that he was sending the images to radiology. HELLO there was our for sure answer but we needed to wait for the dr to show up and tell us. After 3 ultrasound techs you know the baby is gone. All our hopes and dreams for our precious son taken away in the (who knows how long) period of time we were in the hospital. The nurse then walked back in and said "so you know there was no heart beat"
REALLY LADY! She really was trying to be kind and gentle but it wasn't her place to say that to us. OH I remember- at one point the last tech who was searching my uterus at thought I was crying because he was hurting me .... seriously?? I wonder?? genius... I swear... ANYWAY

It was at this point James went to call our parents and tell them what was going on. I again was going in and out not knowing how much later it was and how long it took everyone to come be by our sides. The dr finally came and said these things happen and there usually is no reason for them. Then asked if I wanted to be induced as soon as possible to get this all over with. Yeah sure, lets just get this all over with... ya know? I don't even know myself what was going through my head. I didn't much care about anything at that point. I was in a L&D room with both sides of the family by our sides. I was put on the inducing meds and some pain reliever -Tylenol. Sunday night a woman from my church came to talk to my nurses. She is a L&D nurse at Huntington, named Delanie, and wanted to know what was going on and how I was being taken care of. Because of her, and I am grateful, I was put on Magnesium Sulfate to controll my blood pressure. Every time the MS needed to be changed I started to vomit. I was in the hospital from sunday to tuesday so the MS was changed MANY times. I don't know how many but I vomited everytime.

Monday came and I was having my blood pressure checked every 15 min for a while then 30 min then hourly from the time I was addmitted to the time I was released. I was being monitored like crazy and didn't know all of why. ANYWAY I couldn't eat anything or drink anything- even the ice chips made me vomit. I had a handful of nurses but 2 of them were amazing. I was being checked periodically to see how I was progressing with dialation. I really don't remember how much time was passing- I was on pain medicine that kept me calm and sleepy. I am thankful for that because I remember many times at the point when medicine wore off that I would ask James why us, why Wyatt, why do I have to go through all of this knowing that he's gone. Why, why, why. Of course he didn't have any answers and we won't know until the time we all meet again at Heavenly Father's feet.

Back on the meds I was put and I calmed down a bit. Obviously everytime I would get emotional and upset my blood preassure whould spike. DUH. Somewhere in there my Bishop from church came to see me. I was given a blessing from my dad and brother. If you want an explaination of what blessings are, send me a message on facebook. Monday night came and my contractions became very very strong and closer together. I felt, and my friend Delanie had mentioned to me, that it was totally ok and my choice to have any pain meds that I wanted because, honestly, they weren't going to change the outcome, so why suffer the pain. I got to a point where the regular meds weren't helping any longer so I asked for an Epidural.

While we waited for the anesthesiologist I was given another blessing and James was given a blessing. The nurse I had at the time was mormon as well so I invited her to stay for them. She was an angel sent to me. I don't know how I would have ended up metally if I hadn't spoken with her. She didn't have children of her own but she knew things that I needed to hear that helped me immensely.

Everyone was asked to leave so I could recieve my epidural. I welcomed this because, honestly, I couldn't understand how women go through delivery without medicinal help. I am in awe of you women. The epidural was another blessing I recieved. The pain subsided very quickly after the dr was done. I remember loosing most feeling in my legs but not all- weird- ANYWAY James was with me in the room, as was my brother-in-law and his wife, who have a now 13 month old daughter(as of tomorrow the 20th) They know about labor and delivery. I think I was on the epidural just over an hour by the time I needed my MS bag changed. Remember the vomiting? Yeah that showed it's ugly face violently this time. The pressure of the vomiting was as if I was pushing. Um.. I was pushing and I didn't know it. After my third bout of the vomiting I felt Wyatt come out. I din't know what to do or say, I was vomiting and needed to call for help and have my bro in law and his wife leave the room. I don't know what actually happened during those few seconds that, to me, felt like an hour- It was a whirlwind of oh crap what do we do, oh my gosh there's a baby there that's not crying, where's the nurse, how're going to tell everyone else, NOW WHAT and my least favorite emotion/thought during those few seconds, so what.. So what, because I knew he was gone. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I was torn because it was all over. Everything was over.

The nurse came in and talked to us for a second, I don't remember what she said, and I had to stay  with my son between my legs until the doctor showed up. He arrived fairly quickly I think, but honestly I don't even remember if time was passing at all. I just delivered my son and I would never get to hear him take his first breath and cry, see him look up at me or ANYTHING. I felt, literally and emotionally, empty. Have you ever felt that way? I thought I had when I was younger and facing difficult times, but no- this was emptiness. Thankfully I didn't have those feelings very long and I thank my Heavenly Father for that. I think it's that emptiness that causes so much pain and darkness.

The dr finished delivering Wyatt and the placenta. He checked me over and I had no trauma. All of these were blessings from my Heavenly Father during this terrible time. This may not make sense to many of you but it's just how I feel. I know now that Wyatt was meant for something greater. He only needed to recieve a body and didn't even need to view this world before he was called back home. I feel the blessings I recieved were to help me from withstanding unnecessary pain, I delivered Wyatt without pain or pressure and my body didn't have to face extended healing time in the weeks to come.

Because I had been tested for Preeclampsia, the dr checked over my placenta and determined that it had nothing to do with this loss. I didn't have any other symptoms or pain that sent me into the hospital. To give me SOMETHING, he said it may have been a blood clot in the umbilical  cord, but later on pathology couldn't really say that was the case either. Almost every case of fetal demise is undetermined.

After the nurse wrapped Wyatt up, she brought him to me. James and I got to hold him for a period of time before we asked the nurse to invite who ever from our family in that would like to get a chance of holding our son. I can't even remember who all came in or chose not to. I remember looking at him and he looked JUST like James. Along with his big hands and feet. But only James and I were able to see him before he was wrapped up in his blanket. He had his features and my coloring, but for the time being we will not know for sure, and that's ok.

By looking him over and seeing the measurements from the third ultrasound tech, the dr determined that Wyatt had passed maybe thursday or friday of the previous week. I was having some sort of contraction that I thought were his movements. I kept saying that I would be going to the dr on monday - just monday- wait till monday. I later found out that when I was admitted to the hospital my blood pressure had skyrocketed to 256/137. If I had waited I would have most likely stroked out at home during the night. I was on the magnesium sulfate to lower my blood pressure which saved my life and in the end helped me have a rather "painless" delivery.

I have never had a history of high blood pressure. EVER. It was in the last 2 months of my pregnancy that it even rose. Normally with preeclampsia the numbers reduce about 48 hrs postpartum but my high numbers went on for an additional 2 1/2 weeks. I was at home on bed rest and taking medicine to keep my numbers where they should be. James and I took a month off of work to recover and he watched over me and my medication. We were able to take that time to talk about things, and see where we stood as a couple. We have never been more in love and closer together.

Thank you for reading my story. This is just my hospital story. I don't know what else I will write or when or anything. If I feel I have something to share I will. I don't know if what I have written will help anyone. Whether it be to understand me alittle better, to understand the situation alittle better or to get through something else entirely.

I know I will see my son again one day. I will have to opportunity to raise him and teach him. I have an angel to watch over me and my husband and our future children. I have a story to tell and it is to show that you can get through hardships. My story isn't even the hardest thing anyone has been through, but it is the hardest thing I have been through. I have learned and I have grown and I will contiue to.